Title: Illusions
Author: Jo. R (Jo@ram32.freeserve.co.uk)
Rating: PG
Season/Sequel: Season 7/8. Sequel to 'Closer'
Spoilers: 'Lost City part 2', slight for 'Grace'
and 'Chimera'
Category: Post-ep/Missing Scene 'Lost City 2',
Angst, Thoughts, S/J UST.
Summary: He
wants to stop fighting.
Disclaimer: Yep, you guessed it: Still. Not. Mine.
I don't think they ever will be but never mind, I'm quite happy writing my own
little stories in my own little world.
"Cause I've relied on my illusions
To keep me warm at night
But I denied in my capacity to love
I am willing, to give up this fight"
- 'Dirty Little Secret', Sarah McLachlan
=*=
What she most wanted was to go home and get some
much-needed sleep.
She should've known that it wasn't going to happen.
At almost the exact same moment that she closed the
door behind her, her cell phone started to ring. She stared down at the
display, tempted to ignore it.
Tempted to throw it against the wall and break it
into a dozen tiny pieces so no one could intrude and keep her from the slumber
her body desperately craved.
She couldn't do that, though. Not when the name on
the display flashed up at her urgently.
Daniel.
Something must be wrong, she mused, the first seeds
of worry beginning to germinate in her stomach. Damn it, she knew it was too
soon for the Colonel to be released from the infirmary. "Hello?"
"Have you heard?" The tone he used wasn't
worried. It was decidedly annoyed.
If he wasn't worried, why should she be? Letting
her purse drop to the floor, Sam let the phone rest between her ear and her
shoulder as she squirmed out of her jacket. "Heard what?"
"He's leaving."
The shoes followed. First the left went flying
somewhere to the side of her.
"He?"
Then the right foot was free.
"Jack. He's leaving."
Then she stopped.
"Leaving where?"
Her heart stopped, too.
"The SGC. He's retiring. For good."
She snapped the phone shut on whatever else Daniel
was going to say and retraced her steps, mechanically replacing her shoes,
shrugging into her jacket and picking up her purse. Throwing her phone inside,
she ignored it as it started to ring again and picked up the keys from the
coffee table.
He was leaving.
Again.
Only this time he'd be alive and well…
… And living just a few miles away.
Her pulse quickened, her heart pounded and she
willed her hands to stay steady enough for the short drive ahead.
=*=
The knocking on the door was so soft he almost missed
it. Lifting his head, Jack O'Neill wondered if he'd imagined it but when it
came again, he knew he hadn't.
He recognised that knock.
Slowly, his mind working overtime to prepare a
speech to give her, he pushed himself up off the couch and moved towards the
door.
'I'm not coming back,' he repeated to himself,
would repeat to her. 'I'm too old for it, it's time I retired.'
"SG-1 doesn't need me anymore. You'll be fine
on your own," he said the second the door opened to reveal her standing on
the doorstep. "If you've come to talk me out of it, you can go on back
home."
To her credit, she barely reacted to his prepared
response. She just blinked once and took a step forward, forcing him back.
"I'm here to talk, I might not be here to talk you out of it."
The palms of his hands were damp so he tightened
his grip on the bottle of beer in his hand. "You want a beer?"
"No. I want to talk." Her shoulders were
set, her expression determined.
Jack felt his own shoulders slump.
There'd be no putting her off this time.
In silence, they walked through the house and into
the living room, sitting down and mimicking their positions from a few weeks
before.
Was it only a few weeks? It felt like months.
"Daniel called and said you were
retiring," Sam started, refusing to give in to the nerves bubbling in the
pit of her stomach.
He gave her a one-shouldered shrug and took a swig
from the bottle, trying to appear as nonchalant as he could. "What can I
say? We saved the world again. Anubis got his butt well and truly kicked…"
"There are other Goa'uld," she reminded
him quietly. "And other reasons to stay."
His gaze met hers and he took another slow,
deliberate sip. "There are reasons to leave, too."
To his delight, she was the one who broke eye contact
first. The flush that rose in her neck and spread to her cheeks told him she
wasn't quite as confident as she wanted him to believe.
"They offered me command of the SGC," he
said conversationally when the silence went on for too long. "Weir's taking
another position somewhere else."
"What about General Hammond?" She tilted
her head and looked at him curiously. "Isn't he coming back?"
His answer was a shrug and a sidelong glance at her
face. "I talked to him about it, wanted to make sure he'd been given the
choice. He wants to spend more time with his grandkids, though he promised he'd
be around if any of us needed any help."
"I guess that's understandable. He did take
command thinking it would lead to retirement after a few years anyway."
She glanced away momentarily. "I suppose you've retired before. You didn't
want to come back anyway so why should you stay now."
"They only offered me the job because they
don't need me for SG-1 anymore but want to keep me around." His lips
quirked up in a humourless smile. "If I had to say why I'd have to guess
it's because Thor likes me."
"They want to keep you around because you're a
good commanding officer. People respect you, they listen to you." She
shrugged her shoulders and wished she hadn't declined his offer of a drink, not
because she was particularly thirsty but because it would give her something to
do with her hands. "I think you should stay, Sir. The President and the
Joint Chiefs aren't the only ones who want you to stay and for good reason. You
think we don't need you on SG-1 anymore and you're probably right but that
doesn't mean we won't need you to be there in some capacity."
"You'll be fine, Carter. I trust you, Teal'c
and Daniel trust you. Hammond and the President have confidence in you, you
just need to have confidence in you." He stared at the bottle in his hand
uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was going in but accepting
that he had no choice.
It was time.
Finally, it was time to take it out of that damn
room.
To his surprise, though, Carter didn't seem to
agree. A reaction that was, in his opinion, the total opposite of what it had
been a week ago.
When they'd thought he was going to die.
"That's not why I want you to stay."
"Why do you want me to stay? Honestly?" He
looked at her then, nerves making his temper fray. Why was it she seemed to
backing off? Because he was okay? Because there wasn't a safety net anymore and
if something did happen, there'd be consequences to deal with?
Consequences of them… whatever 'they' were… not
making it?
"Because… Because I think you'd be stupid to
pass up this opportunity, Sir." Because I think you're going to leave me
again. "You never thought you'd make General and now you've got the chance
and you're not going to take it? Why? For what reason?"
"You know the answer to that, Carter."
His eyes narrowed and locked with hers. "You of all people know the answer
to that."
She did know. Didn't she?
"No, Sir, I don't." Her head was held at
a defiant angle, her eyes staring straight passed him.
"I almost died. Again."
"You've almost died before and you've never
given up."
"Is that what you think I'm doing?"
"Yes."
"So you don't think I'm doing it because maybe
I'm tired of fighting? Because hey, the threat's over. Anubis is gone. There's
nothing to stop me from walking away from this without feeling bad about
turning my back on you and the guys."
"Isn't that what you're doing?" She asked
quietly, the anger suddenly fading from her expression, replaced with something
a little more vulnerable. "Can you honestly tell me you're going to stick
around once you're retired? That you're not going to head on over to Minnesota
and isolate yourself from us?"
He stared at her but she refused to meet his gaze.
Confused, he wanted to reach out, do something that
would make her look at him so he could see what she was thinking.
He couldn't though.
The part of his brain that was still military
wouldn't let him.
"The reasons you've given me for staying are good ones," he started slowly, choosing his words carefully to avoid screwing up. He wasn't good with crap like this; talking was not one of his strong points, especially not about feelings and anything remotely connected to them. "But I can think of one very good reason to leave. The SGC, Carter. *Just* the SGC. I promise I won't leave Colorado."
"Why?" Her eyes caught his. "Why
now? You didn't want to talk about it before and now you want to?"
"I was dying before." He shrugged his
shoulders, refused to give into the urge to look away. "I'm not dying now.
I didn't want to hear it because nothing could've happened. It wouldn't have
been fair…"
The phone rang and stopped him from continuing.
Stopped her from replying.
It continued to ring as they stared at each other,
stopping only when the answering machine picked up.
"Jack? It's Daniel. If you're there pick up.
Or don't pick up. Whatever." Daniel sounded harassed. Worried. "I've
been trying to call Sam and she's not answering either. It's important, you
can't leave. You've got to take the job because we need you. Anubis isn't dead,
Jack."
Those words.
Those three words changed everything.
Again.
"He somehow survived the explosion, the Asgard
think he ascended and reascended or something like that but the point is he's
still alive. He's still out there and he's pissed. He's going to come back,
Jack. You can't leave us now."
There was a pause, as though he was expecting a
reply. Then Daniel sighed and continued.
"I know it's bad timing, and I'm really sorry
for that. Tell Sam when you see her, okay? And call me when you get this. Oh,
and the President's waiting for you to ring him. He wants your answer as soon
as possible. Right. I'm going now. Bye."
There was a click and it was over.
Silence reigned.
They stared at each other, each trying to come to
terms with it.
With what had been so close, with what had been
taken away.
Sam got to her feet after a stunned five minutes.
She put her hands in the pockets of her jacket and stared at her feet.
"You have to take the job, Sir. SG-1 isn't the only team that needs you
now."
She left without waiting for a reply.
Without him giving her one.
Jack remained sitting on his couch, his hand
wrapped tightly around the bottle it held.
Almost tight enough to break it.
Five minutes passed. Then ten.
Then he reached for the phone and began to dial.
=*=
Fini