Title: Out of the Ashes (Eye of the Beholder III)

Author: Jo. R

Email: Jo@ram32.freeserve.co.uk

Rating: PG-13 for adult content/mature themes.

Series: Third in the 'Eye of the Beholder' series. You need to have at least read the second story ('What Hides Within') first.

Spoilers: Previous stories. 'Secrets', 'Meridian', 'Entity', 'In the Line of Duty', '100 Days', general knowledge of seasons 1-5 needed.

Summary: After four months of nothing, they get news of Sam in the strangest way.

Archive: SJA and Random Ramblings. If I've said you can have something in the past, you probably can again – just let me know, please! :-)

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No money is being made or I wouldn't be permanently broke! I only own an imagination (some would say warped) and a computer (that sometimes doesn't work).

Authors Notes: Third story in the series – there will probably be a fourth, a short one to wrap it all up. There *won't* be a fifth unless I get seriously inspired or lose what's left of my insanity.

Thanks to: LilWitchy, beta-reader extraordinaire! Maz the Midwife, my technical advisor! Ruthie, the poor sole I throw ideas at and the one who lets me know if something doesn't make sense! Thank you, guys, you're the best! *hugs*

=*=

He remembered it as though it were yesterday. He kept telling himself he should have noticed something, that he should have sensed a change in her. It was impossible, though, wondering about the past wouldn't change anything.

Jacob Carter lay on his bunk in his room and stared up at the ceiling. It was a nice feeling, he mused, not to be underground, the Tok'ra having decided it would be a welcome change to build their new facilities both underground as well as on the surface. He had managed to distract himself from dwelling too much on his daughter's disappearance by keeping busy getting the Tok'ra reorganised after the split that had cost them more than half of their number. Most of the work was done now and his days and nights were full of thoughts of his daughter.

Where was she? Who was she? He'd gathered from his last visit to Earth, his first and only since her disappearance, that she had been taken over by a Goa'uld. He didn't know which one and the Tok'ra had been kept too busy to investigate the matter properly. They had wondered if they would be safe remaining on the planet she knew was their new base but when a month had passed without any sign of danger, Garshaw and the elders had decided to take the risk and stay rather than waste valuable time searching for somewhere else when their time could be spent elsewhere.

Jacob had repeatedly asked Tok'ra agents who were slowly finding out about the Tok'ra division and getting in touch with their preferred sides if they had heard of any new Goa'uld's making a splash in the area they were based. He had heard reports that a new Goa'uld was on the rise but didn't know whether they were male or female – whoever it was had joined forces with Baal and was using the System Lord's influence to keep their identity unknown to the other Goa'uld, probably to launch a surprise assault. There were two new Goa'uld on the scene, one called Inana and another called Meskhenet. He'd asked for descriptions of them but so far no Tok'ra had seen either of them.

"Jacob." Charlie stood at the entrance to his room, his face flushed and breathing hard. He crossed his hands behind his back and continued breathlessly. "The Stargate has activated. You have a visitor. The Goa'uld Theia is here to speak to you. Jacob.. Her host is Samantha."

On his feet faster than he thought possible, Jacob followed the young Tok'ra to where the Goa'uld was waiting for him, blissfully unaware that she was about to turn his world upside down once again.

=*=

/prologue

=*=

The Stargate engaged and the red lights flashed. Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c sat in the briefing room with General Hammond, waiting for the glimmer of hope to rise up inside of them at the sound of the Stargate activating. It came, but not as strongly as it once did. General Hammond got to his feet and started down the stairs to the control room, a look in the colonel's direction telling him that he should go, too.

Sighing heavily, Jack reluctantly followed the general, grousing in his head over how Teal'c and Daniel had it easy. They didn't have to pretend they weren't bothered by Carter's disappearance; they didn't have to hide their worry or their grief. He barely heard Sergeant Siler announce it was the Tok'ra, he just followed the General down the second set of steps, along the hallway and through the blast doors to the gateroom.

He was following a routine, doing what was expected of him. He was slowly remembering how to shut down his mind and close his heart, something he hadn't done since his son had died. He'd once tried it, when they believed Daniel Jackson was dead, but Teal'c and Carter had refused to let him dwell in self-pity and close himself off to them. No one was stopping him now. Teal'c expressed his concern but he and Daniel were too caught up in their own grief to notice the extent of Jacks, to realise the colonel was hiding something from them. Something that made Carter's disappearance harder to deal with.

"Jacob?" At the sound of the General greeting his old friend, Jack snapped out of the trance he'd fallen into. "It's good to see you. Do you have any news..?"

Jacob gave a nod, his expression solemn. "You could say that." He motioned to his companions, two Tok'ra with a third between them, the latter whom wore a heavy cloak with a hood that concealed their identity. At his gesture, the Tok'ra walked down the ramp towards them, each keeping a hold of the thirds arm. "We know the Goa'uld that's taken her is called Theia. We know she's the one Baal was protecting and we know she betrayed him to side with Anubis."

"How do you know all of that?" Jack took a step forward, his gaze drawn to the hooded figure. "A month ago you swore you knew nothing."

"He knows because I told him." The hooded person shook the two Tok'ra off and reached up to pull back the hood. Samantha Carter surveyed them coldly, folding her arms across her chest in a defiant way. Her blond hair, longer than he remembered, hung in loose curls around her face, her expression showing her obvious distaste at being there. "I came to you asking for a place of refuge, Jacob Carter. I believed you would agree to keep your daughter safe until I am fully strong again. If I had known you would bring us here I would never have come to you."

At the sound of the Goa'uld's voice and the sight of the absentee Major, the SF's in the gateroom readied their weapons and took aim at the source of danger. General Hammond held up a hand to keep them from firing, glancing briefly at Jack before his gaze fell once again on the woman on the ramp.

"She's no threat to you, George," Jacob assured him with a glance at the Goa'uld who had been his daughter. "The Goa'uld is going to take a backseat soon so to speak and she needs your help." To her, he addressed his next comment. "The Tok'ra cannot offer you the degree of protection you need at this time. If you want to be safe from the System Lords you're best bet is to stay here."

Theia snorted derisively and tossed her head, glaring at everyone she looked at. "The Tau'ri may be able to protect me while I rest but you will come to regret this decision when my Lord Anubis returns for me."

Jacob rolled his eyes and sighed, looking to Hammond with what passed as a pleading look. "Can we take this to the briefing room? I think we should all be sitting down when she tells you the whole story."

"If you're sure she isn't a threat?" The General raised a quizzical eyebrow, his gaze fixed on the haughty form of the blond major.

"I promise," Jacob replied wearily. "She's no threat to you and won't be for at least another five or six months."

Accepting the words with a grudging nod, General Hammond motioned for the two Tok'ra and the Goa'uld to proceed down the ramp. Jacob and George led the way, followed by the Tok'ra and Theia, followed by a stunned Jack O'Neill.

Within ten minutes, the group was settled in the briefing room, the security doubled in response to the Goa'uld's presence. Four pairs of curious eyes turned to Jacob Carter and Theia, waiting for their questions to be answered.

=*=

"You know the events leading up to Theia leaving us," Jacob started, darting a glance at his daughter as he spoke, sighing at the bored expression arranging her features. "After leaving us, she went to the old Tok'ra planet and duped Anise and Malek into believing she was one of them. They weren't aware of it but while they were interrogating Sam, the other Tok'ra," calling them Tok'ra left a bad taste in his mouth but Selmac urged him to plough on regardless, "implanted a symbiote in Doctor Fraiser. They acquired the symbiote from a Jaffa they'd killed in battle a few months ago and stored it without telling anyone. It appears the Jaffa was one of Baal's who had defected to Anubis.."

"Do not talk about me as though I am not here," Theia interrupted, her blue eyes flashing defiantly. "I am perfectly capable of letting the Tau'ri know of my history if they wish to hear it. What good it will do is beyond me but if they wish to know what my host has been doing, I will tell them."

Jacob bristled and cast her a glare. "Your host has a name and she hasn't been doing anything. You're the one who made her." His anger was met with an amused smile from the Goa'uld. "If you want to explain, by all means do. But remember she has a name. It wouldn't hurt you to use it."

"Her name is irrelevant. She no longer exists." Theia shrugged carelessly and smiled, pleased she had managed to cause the Tok'ra no little degree of distress. "I let the foolish idiots believe I was one of them for just under a month. They then made the mistake of letting me talk with Osiris, with whom they were trying to strike a deal and form an alliance. I let Osiris know who I was and what my intentions were and he agreed to help me in exchange for my help in deceiving the System Lord Baal. Osiris and I met at an arranged time and I was taken aboard his vessel where I was introduced to Baal."

A devious smile spread across her face and her eyes seemed to linger on Jack for several long, uncomfortable seconds until the colonel found he had to look away.

"Baal was pleased to see me. He harbours a deep resentment for the Tau'ri and told me he would take great pleasure in participating in anything that would cause you distress, Colonel. You made an enemy in him." She smiled again, a coy smile that made him shudder. "Within a week he had accepted me as his lover and consort. He believed I was no threat to him because I had no slaves of my own. It was what Osiris and I were counting on and a mistake I am sure he will regret until his dying day. He shared his slaves and his resources with me as eagerly as he shared his bed. My host charmed him; he did everything I asked of him without question. His Jaffa saw his devotion as a weakness and once I continued his First Prime that his loyalties would be better rewarded if they were to me, destroying him from inside his fleet was easy. Together, we brought him to his knees and conquered his army."

"Is Baal dead?" Daniel wanted to know, ignoring the queasiness he felt at the thought of the Goa'uld using Sam's body to buy her the loyalties of Goa'uld and Jaffa alike. One glance at Jacob proved he wasn't alone in feeling disgusted and he didn't dare look at Jack for fear of what he'd see. "You said you conquered him..?"

Their spared him a discouraging glance, obviously annoyed at the interruption. She wasn't accustomed to people interrupting her, she was usually the one to interrupt them. "As far as I am aware Baal still lives. I stabbed him when he came into my chambers and we sent him to a planet in an escape pod from one of our cargo vessels. I do not know if he survived the landing nor do I care. He is an insufferable being, blinded by beauty and deceived by pretty lies."

"After he was disposed of, Osiris and I divided his fleet," Theia continued, enjoying their reactions immensely. It was all she could do not to laugh when they found out she'd been lover to both Baal and his First Prime, wondering delightedly what their reaction would be like when she continued. "I was then introduced to my Lord Anubis, who requested that I join his forces and merge my fleet with his. Osiris serves him but as his servant. Within another month Anubis was prepared to make me his equal and let me rule alongside him once he defeats the others."

Scepticism and doubt met her claim. "Anubis does not need an equal. He would not need your fleet to become stronger when he is so powerful he could take it from you without hesitation."

"You are right, Jaffa, he does not need me," Theia acknowledged Teal'c with a brisk nod and a small smile, thinking to herself that it was a pity he couldn't be convinced to rejoin the side of the Goa'uld. He would have made her an excellent First Prime and protected her interests in case her lover got bored with her. "But he desires me and wants me. It is my privilege to serve at his side and adhere to his wishes. I appealed to him because of my host's reputation. He invited me to stay with him for a while which I am told is unusual for him. He sent Osiris away and requested my company. I suspected he wanted my hosts knowledge of Earth but after a few days I realised he wanted company as well. Anubis is as you say very powerful. He is also extremely feared. He was attracted to me because I did not fear him and had no qualms about standing up to him in argument. He was amused by that, telling me I had acquired my host's spirit."

"So.. You and Anubis..?" Daniel felt sick even thinking it, unable to bring himself to physically say what was on all of their minds.

Theia gave him a sweet, almost innocent smile. "My Lord Anubis and I are lovers, yes. More than lovers. He is my Lord and now I am his Queen. I will serve him until I draw my last breath."

"So, what, that's three guys in four months?" Unable to hold his tongue any longer, Jack fixed her with an icy stare, forcing himself not to think about her as anything other than a Goa'uld. Forcing himself to forget he could probably add another to her list of conquests. "It's been a busy time for you."

"I have had more lovers in four months than my host had in four years." Theia laughed softly. "And I can assure you that although it has been an enjoyable experience, my host has had very little to do with it. I grew tired of her complaints and taunts so she has remained silenced for most of our time together."

His jaw clenched, Jacob gripped the table until his knuckles turned white. "You won't be able to silence her for much longer."

"For a short time, yes, you're right." Theia let her head tilt to the side in thoughtful acceptance. "But when these months are up and my strength returns I will once again become the dominant conscience in this body. If I were you I would take advantage of having your daughter back with you, Jacob, for once I return and my Lord comes for me you will not see her again. Not unless I am there when Anubis crushes your rebellion and grinds you all to dust."

"Okay, I don't understand what you're talking about so I won't pretend to," Jack cut in, his own hands clenching to fists under the table. "What makes you so sure the snakehead's going to come back for you? He obviously let you wander off on your own.."

The slow smile she gave him made his stomach churn and sent a chill down his spine. "He will come for me because it is what we arranged. Because once his child is born, we will depart and raise it together in his name."

Silence fell over them momentarily following the announcement. Jacob cleared his throat, his eyes sad and troubled when he lifted them from focusing on the table. "She's telling the truth. About being pregnant, anyway. It's why she came to us and why I brought her here. To stop the child from being stillborn, the Goa'uld will have to go into a state of hibernation. It's going to leave Sam vulnerable because she's made quite a lot of enemies and most of them will be eager to get rid of her and the baby to anger Anubis and ruin his plans. Sam's going to need your protection, George." Jacob let his gaze wander from face to face, aware of the pleading expression he wore. "And she's going to need all the help she can get from the rest of you to come to terms with what she's been through."

Almost all of the faces in the room appeared grave and disturbed. Almost all of them. Theia sat there with a smile on her face. She wasn't oblivious to the task that lay before them, she just didn't care. She had the upper hand and knew it, the hidden ace up her sleeve. She knew she couldn't be harmed in her sleeping state and she knew there was nothing they could do to keep her from reawakening once her child was born.

Why should she concern herself with the heartbreak her host would have to face? In a matter of months it would all be nothing but a distant memory to her and Sam Carter would cease to exist once and for all.

=*=

They relocated in the observation room attached to the infirmary without saying more than was necessary. The first meeting between Theia and Doctor Fraiser was tense to say the least. Theia smiled in greeting at her former host, smirking when the Doctor's unease became apparent.

"You look different from this side," Theia told her in amusement, swinging her feet upon the bed obediently. "I think I prefer it this way. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to take this host. She's better than the one I originally planned to use."

Her cryptic comment went without being questioned though Janet did appear uncomfortable for several seconds.

"Do not think you can remove me while I sleep," Theia warned, a lazy smile spreading across her face when she lay down on the bed. "To attempt it by any means will result in the death of my host and that of the child we carry."

"I'll explain the dangers to them," Jacob assured her quietly. "You should sleep now to assure the baby will live."

"Anyone would think that you were eager to be rid of me, Jacob." Theia closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. "Don't forget that I gave you your daughter back, even if only for a short while."

Her breathing grew deeper as the seconds ticked by. She barely moved when Janet and her team worked busily around her, attaching her to various machines and devices. The brain waves of the symbiote and host were isolated and they watched as the Goa'uld's gradually grew calmer and more sedate but the worrying thing was that the brain pattern belonging to Sam didn't seem to be gaining in strength or activity at all.

"She may have been suppressed for too long," Selmac theorised, taking over from her host when his grief got too much for him. "Or her conscience may be afraid to assert itself after being surpassed by the dominant presence for so long. Samantha Carter may not wish to rejoin us if the traumas she endured at the hands of the symbiote were too great."

Shocked, Janet stared at the Tok'ra, horrified at the thought of her friend being too scared to live. She remembered her time as a host and failed to repress a shudder, sending a prayer up to whomever was listening, asking them to give her friend the courage and support she needed to wake up and retake what was rightfully hers. "What happens if she doesn't reassert herself?" She asked quietly, not sure whether she wanted to know the answer or not.

"She will remain in a coma-like state until the symbiote retakes control," Selmac answered immediately. "If that should occur we will need to assist in the birthing process."

"The birthing process?" Jack looked from Selmac to Sam and back again. "You mean you're really going to make her keep the baby? You're going to let Anubis have it..?"

"We do not wish Anubis to have the child or force Samantha to continue with her pregnancy if she does not wish for it," Selmac replied calmly, looking away from Sam to stare at the colonel. "However it is not a matter of choice. We cannot harm the child or the Goa'uld will reawaken. We cannot remove or destroy the Goa'uld while she sleeps without killing Samantha and the baby as well. It is a failsafe device if you will, one that protects the mother symbiote. Do anything to harm either one of them and a deadly toxin will be released into the hosts system. There is also the added danger in this case that Anubis is standing guard over Theia. If he does believe this child is his and has plans for it, he will remain close by at all times."

"How is it possible that he will know of Major Carter's whereabouts?" Teal'c asked quietly, doubtful that a false god could have so much power.

The voice that answered him wasn't Selmac's. It wasn't even Jacobs. During the course of the conversation, when everyone's attention was diverted by Selmac, Sam found the strength inside herself to wake up and take her body back under her own control. "He has Asgard technology aboard his ship," she told them dryly, an edge to her voice they weren't expecting when the Goa'uld wasn't in control. "He's modified it so he'll be able to track us wherever we go. So he can easily take us when the baby's born." She turned serious eyes onto her father. Cold, empty eyes that held less emotion than the Goa'uld's had. "I don't care what she said or what you think. I don't care if it kills me, I don't want this baby. I won't give birth to it willingly and you can't stop me from destroying it. I'd rather die before bringing it into the world knowing what kind of life awaits it."

For a long time no one responded to her vow, silently agreeing to discuss the issue another time. No one knew what to say to her or how to start helping her when it became clear the Sam Carter they knew hadn't survived four months of living through her own personal hell.

=*=

/part one

=*=

It was an interrogation of sorts. Sam sat on the bed in the observation room, her expression blank as question after question was fired at her. She answered what she could as honestly as she could but for some of them, she simply didn't know. She couldn't remember much about her time as a host, and felt for the most part like she'd been trapped in dark corner of a room for four months, deprived of any sort of existence.

"What does Anubis want with the child?" That was her father, having pushed aside his relief at having her back to perform his duties as a Tok'ra elder. "What are his plans?"

"What happened to Osiris? Where is she?" That was Daniel, his mind working overtime to decide if they could take advantage of her Goa'uld's apparent friendship with Osiris to rescue Sarah.

"What of the Tok'ra? How did Theia escape them and join forces with Anubis?" Teal'c, ever the warrior, wanting to know her method of escape in case it could be put to use again in the future.

Janet was too focused on the readings from the machines to ask a question of her own and Jack couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye.

"Is Anubis a threat to us now?" General Hammond wanted to know. "Should we be on high alert?"

In a voice devoid of any emotion, Sam answered their questions one by one to the best of her ability, fixing her gaze straight ahead. "Anubis wants to use the child as a replacement host when it's older. He also wants to see if it's inherited my ability to see the past, present and the future. Osiris has a mission in another part of the galaxy to recruit more slaves to serve Anubis. Anubis isn't a threat to Earth at the moment, he's concentrating on other worlds and other wars. If everything goes smoothly and you don't try to stop him from taking us back he'll spare you for the foreseeable future. He wants to conquer the System Lords and get his revenge on them first and foremost. As for the Tok'ra.." She paused then, her voice faltering. After a second, her eyes hardened and her expression grew blank again. "The Tok'ra are gone. They're not a threat to anyone anymore."

"How do you know they're gone?" Her father kept his voice soft but she still flinched when he reached out to touch her.

She moved her head to look at him, the first signs of emotion creeping onto her face: first fear, then anger, and then guilt. "I know because I destroyed them. She destroyed their planet just as I saw she would. Theia holds most of my memories though she can keep me from knowing hers. She killed them because of what they did, and because she wanted to prove her allegiance to Anubis."

"And she's really his Queen? Anubis really believes your child is his?"

Sam fixed the Tok'ra who spoke with an icy stare that looked uncannily like the one Theia had used on the Tau'ri. "I don't have all of her memories of being with Anubis for which I'm grateful. I can tell you that she means something to him and he has every reason to believe this child could be his. And please do not refer to it as being mine. I had nothing to do with its conception and want nothing to do with its life." Her gaze moved to rest on Janet, the sharpness in her tone dropping down a notch. "I need you to tell me how far along I am so I can determine who the father is and see whether an abortion is still an option open to me."

"You don't believe in abortion," Janet murmured softly before she could stop herself, unable to keep the suspicion from her face. She remembered a conversation they had had a long time ago, when the topic had come up due to another female on base discovering she was pregnant. She remembered how passionately Sam had declared that she wouldn't consider abortion as an option unless it was the best thing to do for the unborn child, unless there was something that would prevent it from having a long and happy life..

"I don't believe in bringing a child into the world if they're going to be used as a tool. Besides, this child isn't mine. It's hers. She wants it, not me." A sad look came into her eyes, a distant look as her hand unconsciously wandered to rest on her mostly flat stomach. "I won't be responsible for giving someone life when I won't be able to make sure it's a good one."

"You can't say that for sure." Janet took a step forward, forgetting about everyone else. She wanted to offer her friend some comfort but was afraid it would be rejected. "You might have a say in its upbringing.."

"I'll be dead either way," Sam retorted bluntly. "If you try to remove the Goa'uld, I'll die. If you don't, I'll still die. The only reason she hasn't made me go away completely is because she needed to use me to get you guys to protect her baby. When she takes control again that'll be it for me. She won't let me continue to live inside this body, she'll make me go away again and I really don't think I'll be able to come back even if she is taken from me further down the line." Her eyes took on a haunted look, her gaze falling to rest on her hands where they lay on her stomach. "You don't know what it's like to be banished so completely. To feel like you don't exist."

She was right, Janet didn't know. None of them did. When she had been host to Theia, she had been aware of everything. She'd heard herself speak, watched herself do things she hadn't wanted to do. The Tok'ra hosts were aware of everything, even when their symbiotes were in control. The Colonel, although an unwilling host, had been host to a Tok'ra. There were times she suspected his symbiote had blocked him from knowing everything that was going on around him but if he had, that had only lasted for a few weeks, not four whole months. He had been tortured in unspeakable ways, though, and Janet couldn't help but hope his own experiences would allow him to help Sam confront her own.

"I think we should let Sam get some rest now, General," Janet spoke up when the silence got too thick. "I'd like to run some tests, too, with your permission, Sam. Just to make sure the baby's okay and that you're.." She stopped herself before she could say the word 'okay.' It was obvious to her that her friend obviously wasn't okay.

"Not a risk to base security?" Sam finished for her with a humourless smile. "That I'm really carrying a baby and not a naquada bomb?"

No one laughed at the sarcastic humour, and only Jacob and the Tok'ra didn't react nervously to the statement.

"We've already performed some tests of our own to verify the pregnancy," one of the Tok'ra started, only to be silenced by three glares.

"We'll leave you to get started," General Hammond said quietly, his attention still drawn to the pregnant young woman. "Keep us informed of your progress."

He ushered the others out of the observation room, noting as he did so the way Colonel O'Neill lingered, his gaze straying to Sam. For the first time, the two of them made eye contact. Jack tried to tell what she was feeling by searching her eyes, disappointed that she gave nothing away.

The Sam Carter he had know was very good at concealing her feelings but this Sam Carter, the one he could feel stare after him when he left, hid everything from his gaze. She wasn't the same person he knew and missed, and part of him knew there was a chance she never would be.

=*=

Two weeks passed and nothing much had changed.

It was like pulling teeth, Janet mused. In most ways, Sam was the perfect patient. She did whatever she was asked to do, sitting quietly while Janet ran test after test and took sample after sample. It was the quiet part that bothered the doctor. Sam clammed right up whenever she asked a question about her time away, either giving a one-word answer or claiming she couldn't remember.

Setting up the equipment for the ultrasound scan, Janet tried encouraging a conversation by bringing her up to date on the activities going on in Cassandra's life but even that failed. Sighing heavily, the doctor instructed Sam to lie down and proceeded with the scan, accepting that it was to be done in silence.

"Looking at the development of the foetus, I'd say you're between sixteen and nineteen weeks pregnant." She looked up from the screen and was pleasantly surprised by the interest on Sam's face. "Does that mean Anubis being the father is out of the question?"

Sam let her eyes meet Janet's fleetingly before darting away. "Theia was with him for just over a month so yes, it puts him out of the picture. It doesn't matter, though, if it's not. He still wants an heir."

"I know you don't remember being with any of them," Janet began cautiously, sitting on the edge of the bed. She knew she had to choose her words carefully and that she couldn't press for information Sam didn't have. It was one thing to be pregnant and not know who the father was, that was upsetting enough. It was another to have no memory of the moment the child was conceived. She wasn't sure how Sam was feeling about it or what she was thinking but what she had been subjected to was a form of rape. Her body may have been willing but her mind, had it been involved, certainly was not. "Do you have any suspicions on who could be the father? Theia apparently told the General and the others that she'd had three lovers. Was she telling the truth or is there a chance there could be someone else..?"

"If I tell you, you'll have to report it to General Hammond and the others won't you?" Sam remained still as the doctor wiped the cold liquid from her stomach but sat up the moment she could. Her gaze fluttered nervously to the glass window looking down on the room, checking there was no one there.

Noticing the direction her gaze went in, Janet gave her a small reassuring smile. "I'm going to recommend to General Hammond that you be moved to the VIP quarters. They're big enough for everything you'll need and you'll also have a little more privacy. We might need to post a SF at the door but it'd be better than confining you in here." She couldn't help but notice the nervous way Sam tried to avoid answering her earlier question. "I don't have to give the General names if you don't want me to."

Sam gave her a nod and continued worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. "There's another possibility," she answered with a murmur. "I can't say who but I know there's at least one other possible father."

Seeing the tears shimmering in her eyes, Janet assumed the fourth potential father was someone else she didn't remember fully, someone she wasn't with willingly. It wasn't until after Sam was gone that Janet realised the truth, her heart breaking once again for her friend.

=*=

"Due to the advanced stage of the pregnancy, and I use that term loosely, Sam and I have concluded that Anubis can't be the father. I've tried to make a timeline of sorts to figure out what Theia was getting up to and who with but it's difficult given that Sam's memories if she has any are extremely vague of those times when Theia was involved physically with her lovers." Janet forced herself to remain professional, trying not to think as if it were her best friend they were discussing. "I unfortunately can't get a closer estimate until I've had a chance to monitor the pregnancy over the duration of a month or two to take measurements of the foetus's growth but at this stage I'd estimate Sam to be sixteen to nineteen weeks pregnant." She paused for a second, gathering her thoughts. "There's also a fourth possibility, well, a third now we can eliminate Anubis. I can't say who because I don't know. I'm not sure Sam knows to be perfectly honest but she's adamant there's someone else."

Jack sat up straighter at that, holding his breath. Carter didn't know..? She didn't remember? So when they were together, he had really been with Theia..? Sam hadn't been there and the things she'd said.. Lies? All of it? His short fingernails dug into his palms, slicing through the skin and drawing blood. He had suspected, had worried about it since they found out she was a host but he'd always hoped he was wrong. A chill spread through him on thinking that he wasn't, knowing he'd taken advantage of her. That he was no better than Anubis or Baal.

"That brings me to my recommendations, General," Janet said, unable to keep her voice completely devoid of the concern she felt. "I don't think it's a good idea keeping Sam in the observation room. She deserves to keep her privacy and preserve her dignity, and she can't do that constantly looking over her shoulder to see if there's anyone watching. As her pregnancy progresses, she's going to become more and more uncomfortable. It isn't really fair to expect her to deal with that on top of everything else when she feels like everyone's watching her. I'd like to move her to one of the VIP suites, Sir. If you want to put someone on her door that's fine but personally I don't think it's necessary."

"I'll take your recommendation under advisement, Doctor." General Hammond nodded and crossed his hands on top of the report she'd given him. "What do you make of Major Carter's state of mind? You've said the Goa'uld isn't a threat but you haven't mentioned how this has affected her mentally?"

Janet glanced down briefly, gathering her nerve. "I think Sam's got a long way to go. She's been through so much and half of it she can't remember so she hasn't started facing it. She will have a lot to overcome and to be frank, I don't know how much she can do with the thought of Theia retaking control hanging over her. I've looked through the information the Tok'ra brought and I concur with them attempting to remove the symbiote will be fatal to her at this stage. Our best bet is to wait until the baby's born and then attempt a removal. How long she'll stay with us, though, is anyone's guess."

She took a deep breath and continued, taking special care to meet the eyes of the men at the table, making sure they all knew how serious the matter she was about the share with them was. "Whether she's ready to face it or not, Sam was effectively raped while Theia was in control of her body. She didn't consent to sex with any of the men Theia slept with and that constitutes as sexual assault. She's going to have to accept that, live with it even if she doesn't remember it, and she'll have to accept that she's pregnant as a result not to mention she's still carrying a Goa'uld symbiote inside her. We can't change these circumstances without killing her and I think we can all agree that isn't an option."

"What if it is Major Carter's wish?" Teal'c asked when no one else would. "She has expressed a preference for dying over remaining a prisoner of the symbiote and child she carries. Should we not adhere to those wishes if there is no other option available?"

"You're talking about killing her, Teal'c. As a doctor I can't see that as a viable option. My job is to save lives not to take them away even it is a mercy killing. And as her friend.." Janet had to swallow the lump in her throat, her hands clammy as a voice at the back of her mind questioned her words. Could she really live in good conscience knowing her best friend was living in a nightmare? Knowing she'd had a chance to end it, to keep her from a life of torture? "As her friend I refuse to give up on her. I won't let the Goa'uld take my best friend away from me. We'll find a way to get her back, even if it takes months or years."

"If it takes months or years we will fail." Teal'c pushed his own feelings aside and forced himself to look at the situation from Major Carter's point of view. "The sooner we can release her from the Goa'uld the better her chances of surviving will be. Major Carter herself has stated that she doubts her own ability to return to us once the Goa'uld retakes control. Surely the humane thing would be to assist her in whatever decision she wishes to make."

"She doesn't know what she wants right now, Teal'c." Jack kept his hands palm down on the table, careful to keep his expression neutral. "We've got at least, what, five months before the Goa'uld comes back and Anubis tries to take her. That should be enough time for Carter to think everything through and make up her mind."

Casting him a grateful smile, Janet swallowed the lump in her throat. She was glad the colonel had made an argument against Teal'c's suggestion because she was struggling to justify it in her own mind. She loved Sam, hated to see her suffer but at the same time she didn't want her to die. "I agree, Colonel, that Sam comes to terms with what's happened to her, she can't make up her mind and know she won't regret it."

General Hammond watched the interaction with interest. He, too, was undecided on what to do. He could see both sides of the argument but wasn't prepared to give up on Major Carter. There had to be something they could do, they just needed more time to figure out what it was. Whether his superiors would see it that way was another story. That was one conversation he wasn't looking forward to, telling them the Major was back – and that she was still host to a Goa'uld symbiote.

"Doctor, I'm sure you'll want to get back to Major Carter. If you think it would be best to move her into the VIP quarters today then do so. I would like there to be some form of security on the door, though. For her protection as well as ours." General Hammond rose, clutching the report in his hand. "SG-1 will remain on base for three weeks. I'm sorry, Colonel, I know you don't like being grounded for long but I think it would benefit Major Carter if you were all available for her to talk to. We will discuss the matter when the three-week period is up. You'll probably find yourselves with temporary assignments to other teams on occasion, too. You're all dismissed. Jacob, if you'd like to join me in my office..? I'll need your help explaining the situation to the President and the Joint Chiefs."

With obvious wariness, Jacob got to his feet and followed the General into the office, closing the door securely behind them. He was resigned to knowing his daughter was still his enemy, to knowing that her child – his grandchild – could give the Goa'uld an advantage he couldn't afford them to have. He had to do what he could to stop them from getting the baby but he was afraid that to do so would mean sacrificing his daughter.

Teal'c and Daniel excused themselves, heading to Daniel's office where they could discuss what was best for Sam and work to find another solution. One that wouldn't end in her death. Teal'c also wanted to be there in case the younger man needed someone to talk to, the situation bringing back memories of Sha're the Abydonian woman's pregnancy.

"Doc?" Jack stood and crossed the room to stand in Janet's way, looking every bit as uneasy as he felt. He shuffled his feet, clenching and unclenching his hands at his sides. "Is Carter up for a visitor? I thought she might want to talk about what she went through with Baal with someone who's been there. Sort of."

Janet stood staring at him for several long seconds. Then she smiled in understanding. "Whatever Baal did to her isn't your fault, Colonel. Talking to her about what you went through might help if you're sure you're okay with it. I know it's still hard for you to remember what you went through."

He swallowed hard and gave a curt nod, fixing his gaze just to the left of her. He couldn't meet her eyes, worried what she'd see in his. "If it'll help Carter.."

"I'm sure it will, Sir." Janet gave him a warm smile that made him feel worse for misleading her and turned on her heel. "Maybe you could take her outside for some fresh air. She'll be coupled up inside for too much as it is."

Jack trailed behind her on the way to the infirmary, paying no attention to what was being said but somehow managing to nod and make encouraging sounds at the appropriate times. He wiped his palms on the material of his pans, hesitating outside the blast doors leading into the observation room. He ignored the strange look he got for his troubles from the SFs and motioned for them to let him in.

He wouldn't give into the urge to turn around and walk away. She deserved better than that.

She deserved to know the truth.

=*=

/part two

=*=

"Hey, Carter." By the time he walked into the room, his nerves had been pushed aside and replaced by the casual mask of indifference he'd perfected over the years. He didn't react visibly when she seemed to ignore him but it increased the cold mass settled inside his stomach. "Doc's going to get you move to a VIP room so I thought I'd come and spring you for a while. You want to go and get some fresh air?"

A one-shouldered shrug was the only response he got. She sat cross-legged on the bed, staring at the observation window. It was like she expected someone to be there, watching them. Maybe making notes on what was said.

He felt like that himself. Like they had to watch what they said – what he said – in case someone overheard and it spread around base like wildfire. "We need to talk, Carter." Jack took a few steps towards her, standing by the bed. He lowered his voice and forced himself to look her in the eye. She deserved to know the truth, to know what he'd done to her. He owed her that much. "About what happened, before you left. After the snake left Doc." He bounced on the soles of his feet, a mass of nervous energy. "I thought it'd be better for us to talk outside. If that's okay. If you'd be more comfortable talking here.."

"No." Sam turned slightly, lifting her head. Her gaze met his but her expression was still guarded. "Outside would be good. We do need to talk."

"Talk. Yeah." He took a step back to give her space to get off the bed. Her hand, he noticed, still lingered over her stomach. "Ah.. Are you okay? You and the baby?"

She moved her hand away from her belly and let it hang at her side. "Janet said it's fine."

"It." The baby. Her baby. The baby where there was a one in three chance he was the father. Jack coughed to muffle the noise of surprise he made at the thought. For a second he felt weak at the knees. God. The baby could be his. "So.. We should go." To cover for his nerves, he walked ahead of her speaking only to assure the SF's and security guards they passed that he didn't need their assistance and could handle Carter himself.

He hoped that was true.

They walked in silent to the spot on the mouth most frequented by the SGC staff. It was a quiet place where they could sit and reflect on everything in peace without fear of being disturbed. Sam settled herself on the grass, shifting until she was comfortable. Jack watched awkwardly and sat down next to her, but keeping a fair amount of distance between them. The last thing he wanted to do was crowd her, especially given the direction their conversation was sure to take.

"So." After five minutes passed, he decided to break the silence. "I have to tell you something, Carter, and I don't know how you're going to react. Well, I know you're going to be angry and upset and you have every right to be but I have to tell you. You're probably going to hate me but you can't hate me anymore than I hate myself right now so I might as well just come out and say it. Carter," he stared down at his hands and paused to catch his breath. "There's-a-chance-I-might-be-the-baby's-father." The words came out in a single breath and he continued in a rush. "I honestly thought it was you. You said things.. Well, she said things I thought you said and it made sense and.."

"And it was me, I did mean it, I don't regret what happened I just regret everything that happened after it and I know you could be the baby's father and that's probably the only reason I haven't tried to get rid of it myself." She stared at him so that when he looked up their eyes met. "I'm sorry if I let you believe that it wasn't me, it was. It was me until I woke up and tried to touch you and couldn't."

The relief that washed over him died at the look that came into her eyes when she spoke. He reached out to touch her, pleased when her fingers curled around his instead of her pulling away.

"I didn't realise what was going on. I was scared, I tried to talk to you to let you know there was something wrong but the words got stuck in my throat. She made me get up and go into the bathroom and she looked at me in the mirror. She.. She stared at me like I was a dress she was trying on for size. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. My hearing started to go and then I saw my eyes flash.." She shivered and moved closer, for warmth or comfort he couldn't tell. Both he gave to her willingly. "That was the last thing I knew until I woke up in the observation room. I don't know what she did to me but it was like being back in the computer system. That's exactly what it was like, it reminds me of when the entity put my conscience in the SGC mainframe. There was nothing. Absolutely silence. I couldn't hear, couldn't see. It was like I lost all of my senses and the only thing working was my mind."

His arm went around her shoulders, drawing her closer. For a moment it felt as though no time had passed and it was the day after their relationship had taken a step forward. "Do you remember anything after that? You obviously know some things the snake does or you wouldn't have been able to answer the questions you were asked.."

"I know bits and pieces. I have some of her memories but only the ones she let me have." Sam leant her head on his shoulder. She didn't understand what it was about him that made her feel safe instead of confused. Now that they were alone and out of the SGC, her head was clearing and she was able to forget about the Goa'uld she carried, if only for a while. The baby, she couldn't forget about. She wasn't sure if she was imagining it but she thought she could feel something move inside her – a faint fluttering, like she had a serious case of butterflies. "I don't remember being with Baal or Anubis or the other one. I just know she was with them, that she enjoyed it."

Jack tensed and pressed a kiss to her head. "Don't think about it, Sam. You don't have to.."

"But I do. I can't stop thinking about it." She drew back and gazed at him with round blue eyes, letting him see the confusion and the anger she felt. "I'm having a baby, Jack, and I know this is going to sound stupid because of everything I told you that night about wanting kids but I don't know if I do want this one. I don't know if I can love it, even if I do get the chance and Theia somehow leaves the picture. How can I love something that's the result of my body being used against my will?" Tears shimmered in those blue depths and his chest started to ache. "It makes me sound horrible – what kind of Mom will I make if I don't know if I want the baby I'm having? If I don't know if I can love it?"

"You're being too hard on yourself. You've got to give yourself time to get used to the idea of being pregnant, you've got to accept what's happened." He gave her fingers a squeeze and reached up with his other hand to touch her face. "Forget about everything else for now. Forget about Anubis and Theia, we'll deal with them together when we have to. You need to get used to being back and being pregnant.."

"It's harder than I thought it'd be," she mumbled, leaning into his touch. "It's weird being able to see and hear and smell." Inching closer, she brought her hands up to cup his face, her fingers trailing over his lips. "And touch and taste."

One or both of them moved in. Their lips met in a soft, undemanding kiss that stole a sigh from her. Repeating the contact, Sam let her hands move and explore, revelling in the feel of his skin and clothes beneath her hands. The kiss deepened and at first everything was fine, better than fine..

..Then a face filled her mind and she pushed him away, the colour that had risen in her cheeks fading rapidly. She swallowed hard, staring at him in shock and horror.

"Sam?" Jack forced his hands to stay at his sides, his heart dropping to his stomach at the expression on her face. "Carter, what is it? What's wrong?"

She shook her head wordlessly and jumped to her feet, making it a few metres away before emptying the contents of her stomach behind a rock. Against his better judgement, he followed, lightly resting a hand on her back as she wiped her mouth and gathered her composure. A few minutes later she turned to face him, her face white and her eyes wide. "I saw Baal, Jack. I remember.. I saw.." Her throat closed up, her voice thick with distress. "I saw them together. I saw me, I saw it all."

=*=

Doctor Fraiser spent almost an hour running test after test, asking question after question. Sam sat quietly on the bed in the infirmary, waiting for the results in a detached manner. She did what she was told, answered what questions she could but Jack could feel her pull away from them as time passed by. She wouldn't look anyone directly in the eye and tensed whenever they went near her.

"I don't think you're remembering it, Sam," Janet said finally, glancing up from the notes she was reading. "Your blood pressure and heart rate are exactly the same as they were when you had your first vision." She smiled a small, sympathetic smile, her expression apologetic. "I'm sorry, honey. There's nothing I can do to stop it from happening again. Maybe if we isolated what you were doing when it occurred, we can prevent another one by avoiding.."

"No." Sam shook her head, her eyes moving briefly to Jack just in time to see the guilty flush rise in his cheeks. "If I have any more it's because I'm meant to see them. I have to know. How can I get over it when I don't remember? I need to know what happened, how it happened. I can't put it behind me if I'm always wondering about it and if I'm afraid to do something in case I see it again."

"Do you want to talk about it, Sam? About what you saw?" Janet laid a hand on her arm, hoping the surprises would stop soon. She didn't know how much more any of them could take. Colonel O'Neill, she noticed, still looked as shaken as he had done when he brought Sam back to the infirmary.

"Not right now, thank you." The strength it took to smile was almost all she had left. "I'm tired, I feel like I could sleep for a week."

Despite the seriousness of the situation, Janet had to smile – especially when she noticed where her friend's hand was resting. "You'll find you use up your energy a lot faster than normal over the next few months. And I want you to make sure you eat properly and get plenty of rest, okay? This pregnancy might be harder than a normal one because of the circumstances but you have to try not to let it upset you. It's not good for you or the baby."

"I'll be a good girl, I promise." Sam managed to roll her eyes, knowing they were worried about her and hating it. In truth, she was worried about herself but she wouldn't let them know that. They all had enough on their minds; they didn't need any more of her problems to deal with. "Is it okay if I got to the VIP quarters or do you want me to stay here?"

"You can go to your room. I had some of your things from your quarters moved in so you should be comfortable." Janet helped her get off the bed and gave her an impulsive hug, pleased when Sam returned it after tensing a second. "I'll have someone bring you something to eat. GO and get some sleep and let me know if there's anything you're worried about."

"I will." Relieved to be leaving, needing some time on her own, Sam left without saying anything else but the look she shared with Jack said all she couldn't. She didn't blame him, didn't regret anything but she needed to be alone for a while. She needed to think, to remember, to put her thoughts in some sort of order.

"Colonel." Janet stopped him before he could leave, giving him a quick smile of assurance. "I just wanted to say thank you. Whatever you and Sam talked about looks like it helped. She's handling this is a lot better than I thought she would."

"No problem, doc." Jack forced himself to return her smile, pushing aside the guilt he felt. If only she knew. "Anything to help."

He left before she could ask him anything else, like what they'd been talking about and what had happened before her vision had happened. He paused when he got outside, debating with himself where to go. Carter needed space, he knew that. He also knew he wanted to make sure she wasn't pretending she was fine.

'Later,' he told himself, walking in the opposite direction. He would check on her later. In the meantime he'd go and update Daniel and Teal'c on what happened and then he'd think about going to see Carter afterwards.

If she still wanted to see him.

=*=

Daniel insisted that Jack get some sleep after he told them of the afternoon's events. "It's been a long day," he told him sensibly. "For all of us. Sam needs some sleep and so do you." So Jack gave in and went to his quarters instead of hers, intending to go to her first thing in the morning and make sure she was okay.

Daniel, he found, was there already.

"Hey, Jack," the archaeologist stood when he knocked on the door. "I was just telling Sam Teal'c's gone to see Rya'c. General Hammond authorised it this morning. I'm going out with SG-9 for a few days so I thought I'd say goodbye. They need my help with the Incaterans.."

"Cool. Bring us back a souvenir." Jack watched as Daniel lingered, giving Sam a hug and sharing a look with her that he didn't understand. "Take Care, Daniel. Make sure you come back in one piece," he called after his friend when Daniel made a hasty exit. Now alone, he leaned against the doorframe, an eyebrow raised in question. "Everything okay?"

"As okay as it can be." The look she gave him was thoughtful. "Daniel was telling me about Sha're, about what it was like when she was pregnant with Apophis' child. I asked him how soon the Goa'uld took over after the baby was born."

"What was the answer?" He watched her stand and walk over to him, thinking to himself how little she'd changed physically. If it wasn't for the slightly longer hair and slightly rounder stomach, he might have been able to fool himself into thinking the last four months had existed only in his head, created by his imagination.

"Not one I wanted to hear," she answered honestly, a rueful look on her face. "Daniel said it took over immediately, that she took over before the baby was fully born. He also said she went into labour when the Goa'uld ship landed so.. I think nearer the time I'll suggest to General Hammond that he send me through the Stargate to a quieter place. Somewhere Anubis can make his presence known without causing too much alarm when he comes for me." She shrugged her shoulders casually. "I'm not worried about him doing something but I think I'd feel better if I was somewhere else when it happened."

He stared at her in silence for several seconds. "You're giving up? You're going to let the snake take you back?"

"I won't have a choice in the matter. She can't be removed until after I give birth and then it'll be too late. I'm.. strangely okay with that. On one condition, anyway." She gazed up at him with a look in her eyes he didn't like. "I don't want them to have the baby, Jack. I'm not saying I expect you to step in and raise it, especially since you might not be the father. I'm going to ask Janet if she'd mind adopting it and if she can't, I'll ask General Hammond to find parents who will. I don't want Theia to have this baby. Not my baby, not when she wants it so much."

She walked passed him, out into the hallway, her hands resting on her belly. "Your baby?" He asked when he caught up, throwing her a sidelong glance. "It's your baby now? Yesterday.."

"I felt it move, Jack," she told him in a whisper, her face lit up by a soft smile. "I wasn't sure at first, it's not much, but I felt my baby move inside me and it was incredible."

"Better than going through the Stargate for the first time?" He followed her into the elevator, pleased to see a genuine smile on her face but worried it wasn't as real as it seemed.

"Better," she confirmed quietly, pressing the button. "Much better." As if noticing he was with her for the first time, she raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Have you already eaten or do you want to join me for breakfast?"

"Are you sure you want to go to the commissary? I mean, everyone's bound to know by now.." He saw the challenging look on her face and hid a grin. "Right."

Sam squared her shoulders as the elevator doors swung open. "I have to face everyone at some point. The next five months might be all I have left and I'll be damned if I spend them locked in my room like I've done something wrong."

"Lead the way, Carter." He ignored part of her answer, deciding there'd be time to tackle her permission another time. "And Carter?"

"Yeah?" Pausing outside of the commissary doors, Sam let out the breath she was holding and turned to him expectantly, partly relieved at the minor distraction.

"I want to be a part of the baby's life whether I'm its father or not." Jack kept his voice low so only she could hear it, despite having checked to see if there was anyone else around. "And I think we should tell Doc that there's a possibility."

"Okay." Sam managed a weak smile something inside her aching at the thought of her friends being involved in the baby's life without her. *Her* baby. "I'll tell her, just give me a while to figure out what I'm going to say. She won't approve, you know."

"Yeah," he gave her a depreciative grin. "I got that impression. If you want we can tell her together. Maybe try and explain..?"

"I'll think about it, thank you." She glanced at the doors again, the ball of nerves in the pit of her stomach expanding a little more. "Here goes nothing."

Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door, ignoring the slight hush that descended over the room's occupants when they saw her. Holding her head up high, taking comfort in the knowledge Jack was behind her, Sam took another step in, determined not to let the Goa'uld inside her claim another victory.

It was taking her child, her life..

She wouldn't let it take her last months on Earth, too.

=*=

/part three

=*=

Just over a month had passed and her condition became impossible to ignore. Sam was feeling the side effects but didn't complain about them. In fact, she didn't say much at all. She grew increasingly distant, preferring to spend more and more time in her quarters despite her claim six weeks earlier that she wouldn't let the Goa'uld take any more time from her.

The truth was she wasn't coping as well as she pretended to be. During the day she'd lie on her bed, her hand resting on her stomach. She'd close her eyes and imagine what her baby would look like, imagine the life it would lead if it stayed out her friends and the life it would lead if she – Theia – took it with her to live with Anubis. Imagining was enough; she didn't need to know so when she felt a vision start to take over, she forced her eyes open and pushed it away.

Neither life was one she would have ideally chosen for her only child.

She didn't want her baby growing up without her; she didn't want it growing up with someone else as its mother. Even if that person was her best friend. It was the best option for the baby, though, especially if it was harcesis or otherwise affected by its mother being a Goa'uld. There was no one Sam would trust more to ensure her baby was well cared for but there was still a part of her, a big part of her, that begrudged her friend the chance of raising her child. It was hers, damn it. If anyone should be there to love it and care for it and teach it, it should be her.

But it couldn't be.

She could let Theia take the baby but she would only be a physical shell. The Goa'uld would be in control, Theia would be raising her baby – she wanted and loved the child as her own anyway. Sam would be pushed back into that awful place where there was nothing but her own thoughts for company and eventually she'd disappear. Either that or she'd go mad and neither of these options appealed to her.

At night she would lie awake, her thoughts of the future too depressing to let go of even to sleep. And if she did sleep, the nightmares came and it was inevitable that she would wake up shivering and either have to dash to the en suite to throw up or she'd burst into tears and wouldn't be able to get warm for the rest of the night.

It was an endless cycle, one that wore her out more than her pregnancy could. She avoided spending too much time with anyone because there was only so long she could keep up the act of being fine. Janet was concerned about her – and with good reason. She wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating enough and what she did manage to eat she usually lost a few hours later. She hadn't talked to anyone about what she remembered, despite her promises that she would when she was ready. She doubted she'd ever be ready to share what she knew with anyone. The shame, the pain, the anger.. It was better she kept them to herself.

In less than five months she wouldn't have to worry about it. All of her worries would be over. Life as she knew it would be over. Theia would have her own worries; she would have to make sure Anubis didn't tire of her. She'd have to make sure he still wanted her and wasn't using her for the baby.

It all came back to the baby.

A spiteful smile graced her lips as she lay down, thinking how it would serve the Goa'uld right if Anubis spurned her. If she was abandoned or even killed because she didn't go back with the baby.. So be it. If Sam couldn't have her life, if she couldn't live how she wanted.. There was no point in having a life at all.

With those thoughts in mind, Sam let herself fall into what she hoped was a restful sleep.

=*=

The frown on her face seemed to be a permanent feature over the last few weeks. Janet stared down at the numbers on the piece of paper in front of her, sighing in frustration when the type blurred and swam on the page. "What are you doing, Sam?" She asked, not expecting the empty office to give her an answer. "You're only making it worse."

"Is this a bad time?" The voice took her by surprise and she jumped, turning to fix the culprit with a glare. "Sorry. I didn't mean.." Jack shuffled his feet, his hands in his pockets and his expression sheepish. "I can come back later.."

Her mood softened at the lost look in his eyes. He was taking Sam's behaviour harder than anyone of them and even though he was good at hiding it, she could see it wearing him down. "I'm sorry, Colonel. I'm just distracted.. What can I do for you?"

If anything, her apology made him even more nervous. Jack shut the door and walked to the filling cabinet, leaning against it in what he hoped was a casual gesture. "Have you talked to Carter recently?" He asked quietly, deciding not to waste time but knowing he'd have to tread carefully. Janet was one of Carter's closest friends, her only close female friend that he knew of. He wouldn't do anything that might jeopardise their friendship.

"If you mean besides getting one word answers every time I ask her something then no, I haven't." Janet leaned back in her chair, surveying him through doctor's eyes. He'd lost weight, she realised, and there were bags under his eyes. "Have you had any luck? Daniel told me he tried before your last mission but she brushed him off with a smile saying she was fine."

"She's avoiding me." The words were accompanied by a shrug but the hurt in his voice was unmistakable. "Probably because of why I'm here."

Janet lifted an eyebrow at that, motioning to the other chair with her hand. "I think you're probably going to want a seat for this conversation, Colonel."

"Yeah, I think I will." His palms already sweating, Jack sat down gratefully, his legs starting to feel weak. "I suppose I should just come out and say it." He wiped his hands on his pants, unable to meet her gaze. He took a deep breath and let the words tumble out when he exhaled. "There's a chance Carter's baby might be mine."

She blinked twice and opened her mouth. Then she closed it and opened it again. "Oh. I see." The frown on her face reappeared, showing her disapproval.

"It's not like it sounds," he started at her imploringly, talking quickly. "Carter was.. still her. Or that's what she said, anyway. It was just after the snake left you and jumped into her but she said it didn't take over till she woke up.. afterwards. It was just the one night but if it wasn't for the snake.. It's not like we didn't talk about it. We talked and decided it was the right thing to do, we didn't just jump into bed for the sake of it the second we realised there was an attraction between us.."

"I know you didn't, Sir." Janet sighed softly and gave him a strained smile. "I know both of you well enough to realise you wouldn't jeopardise your careers for sex. And I know you've had feelings for each other for a while now.. Sam didn't – doesn't – talk about it much but I know she cares about you. A lot." The glance she gave him at that was full of meaning – they both knew that for Sam Carter to have admitted she cared about him was a huge step for someone so afraid of opening herself up to the possibility of being hurt. "In a way," Janet continued with another sigh, "I'm pleased. Knowing there's a chance her baby might be yours is probably one of the only reasons Sam hasn't tried harming it herself. But that's not to say I approve," she added quickly. "You both risked your careers, Sam especially.."

"Careers aren't everything and neither of us intended on it being a one night thing," Jack responded with a calmness he didn't feel. "Our careers can't make us happy, can't substitute for other things forever.."

"Other things like sex? A warm body to lie next to at night?" She asked sharply, a look thrown in his direction. "You both can get that elsewhere.."

"Like being with someone you care about. Being able to talk about everything including the classified stuff.." He swallowed hard and looked away as he continued. "Like loving someone and being loved back. Having someone to go home with, to share everything with.."

"You love her." Janet clarified, her eyes widening only a little. She'd long since suspected the two officers held deeper feelings for each other than she'd been privy to but she never expected to have either of them confirm it. He made no move to deny the statement, he just met her gaze and said nothing, letting her see for herself if it was true or not. "Has she talked to you at all about what was done to her, Colonel? About Baal and Anubis?"

Jack nodded, relieved at the slight change in conversation. "A little. She said she couldn't remember for the most part. The snake apparently kept her suppressed for all of it. She said it was like when that thing took her body and put her in the computers. She couldn't feel or see or hear anything but she somehow knew things. She knew the snake was telling the truth when it said she was with those guys and she knows other stuff about Anubis' reasons for wanting the kid but she doesn’t know how or why she knows." He looked as defeated as the doctor felt. "Since she remembered being with Baal or had a vision of it or whatever it was, she hasn't really talked to me at all. She promised she'd tell you about the baby and me but since she obviously hasn't done that she's probably avoiding me.."

"She's avoiding a lot of things and has been for too long." Her expression hardened, her determination solidifying. "Colonel, I think we should go and talk to her together. We can't let her keep thinking she's fooled us all into thinking she's fine."

"When?" It wasn't a conversation he was looking forward to but it was one they had to have. For his sanity as well as Carter's welfare.

Janet got to her feet, her shoulders tense with stubbornness. "There's no time like the present."

He had no choice but to follow her, dragging his feet as they left her office. Ordinarily, Jack would have no problem matching her stride for stride, overtaking her, but today was different. While she was driven on by determination, he was held back by trepidation. He knew she was right, he knew they couldn't let Carter continue to distance herself from them but he also knew Carter. He knew she didn't like to be pushed when she wasn't ready. She didn't like to be backed into a corner.

And that was exactly what they were about to do.

=*=

The knock on the door wasn't unexpected but it wasn't exactly welcome. Sam couldn't motivate herself to move, so settled for calling out to whoever it was that the door was open. Her eyes remained closed, her hand stayed on her stomach waiting for the baby inside to move again and remind her of the mess she was in.

"I'm fine," she muttered when the door closed again. "I'm not hungry, I'm getting as much sleep as I can and I don't want to talk about it."

"You might not want to talk about it but you need to." Janet sat down on the edge of the bed. "You could always start with why you haven't told me your baby could also be Colonel O'Neill's despite having promised him you would."

"It's irrelevant," Sam replied, keeping her eyes firmly closed. She knew the doctor wasn't alone. She could sense the Colonel's presence even though she inwardly cringed at the thought. She couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't get close to him or let him get close to her. It wouldn't be fair on him. Not when she knew she had to leave again.

"I don't see how." Her voice taking on an edge of frustration, Janet leaned over and put her hand on top of Sam's where it lay on her stomach, ignoring the way her friend flinched. "There's a life growing inside you, Sam. A life you're responsible for whether you like it or not. You're being incredibly selfish by refusing to think about it.."

"Refusing to think about it? It's *all* I think about! I'm having a baby that isn't really mine! Do you know how that feels for the person carrying it inside them? The one who can feel its every move?" Sam's eyes flew open and sparks shot out of them. Anger she clung onto in place of despair. "There are two lives inside of me in case you've forgotten. I really don't want to hurt the baby but since the other's the Goa'uld that's responsible for all of this I'd really really like to do something to hurt it."

"But you can't. Hurting the Goa'uld means hurting yourself and your baby." Janet curled her fingers around her friends, giving them a small squeeze. "But you're not as alone as you think, Sam. You're not the only one going through hell here. You're not the only one wondering if the baby inside you is yours.."

"With all due respect to Colonel O'Neill, he can't feel it moving. He doesn't know what it's like to fall in love with it knowing he won't get to see it grow up." Tears stung her eyes but she resolutely refused to let them fall. "Neither of you know what that's like because you'll be the ones there watching my baby grow up. You'll get to go through everything I want to and can't and I hate that. I hate the Goa'uld inside me for making it that way and I hate you for being able to be there when I can't."

At that, Janet did pull back, her features arranged in an expression of shock – one that was mirrored on the face that looked back at her. "You're angry with us?"

Surprised at her own outburst, Sam looked away, her arms wrapping around her stomach in an unconsciously protective gesture. "Why shouldn't I be? You all keep telling me everything's going to be okay when it's not going to be okay for me. It never will be okay again. You guys might be able to put this behind you and move on with your lives but I can't. This is my life now. Trapped by a Goa'uld in my own body, knowing my baby's going to grow up with someone who isn't me. Knowing she's either going to help destroy this planet or that I'm going to die when you stop her."

"You can't talk like that, Sam. You don't know for sure she's going to be there forever.." Janet stopped, knowing her words were weak and were quite possibly lies.

"You can't tell me I'm not going to be like this forever. You can't tell me you're going to be able to save me at the midnight hour because this time you're not. You can't. No one can. Either just before I give birth or just afterwards, Anubis is going to come for me and no one is powerful enough to stop that from happening. You have to face it, Janet. I have. The baby will be born. Theia will take over. Either she'll raise my baby or you will and I have to be honest and say I don't like either of those options."

Hurt by the words even though she understood them, Janet lapsed into silence. She glanced up at the silent colonel, willing him to jump in.

Willing him to tell her Sam was wrong.

"It's okay for you to be angry and scared, Carter." Jack spoke after several long moments, forcing himself to ignore the doctor sitting in a state of shock and focus on the other woman struggling to hold it together. It wasn't hard considering she had been the prominent feature in his thoughts for so long. "I won't lie to you and say I'm not as angry as hell and pissed off that we can't do anything at the moment. I won't say I'm not scared about losing you again because I am."

"I don't want to hear this, Jack." Her eyes locked with his, the shimmering in them telling him all he needed to know: he was getting through to her and she was trying to stop him. Using his name was a plea, an attempt at using what control she and his feelings for her had over him.

He wouldn't let it work.

Instead, he moved over to the bed, barely noticing when Janet stood up and walked away to make room for him. He sat down, reaching out to take her arms, moving them from her stomach and putting his hand there instead. "I know you don't want to hear it but that's why I'm saying it. You can't push us away, Sam. You can't push me away. I'm not going to let you just in case the next few months are the only ones we have left. You told me it was you that night, that you meant everything you said. Has anything changed between then and now?"

Trapped by his gaze and warmed by the weight of his hand on her stomach, Sam couldn't lie. "What I feel is still the same, it's the situation that's changed."

"Then we need to make the most of it and we need to keep being positive about what's going to happen or I don't know how either of us going to get through the next few months let alone whatever happens after that." He moved further up the bed, reaching out for her and drawing her into his arms. She put up a token protest but relaxed against him when one tear escaped her eye. "We're not going to lose you to Anubis forever. We'll come after you straight and do whatever it takes to get you back and get the snake out of you. Then you'll come home and we'll face the music but whatever happens with our careers will be easier to deal with because we'll have a baby to take care of. Our baby. We'll raise it together, Sam. You and me, with a little help from Doc and the guys."

"I want to believe you but I can't." Sam turned her head against him, burying her face in his shoulder. "I can't let go of everything that's happened to me so I can't believe that something good can come out of it."

"To let go you're going to have to talk about it." Jack looked up and saw the doctor's grudging nod of approval, knowing she could never support the risk he and Carter we taking with their careers but knowing she couldn't completely condemn it either. "Talk to us, Sam. Tell us what you remember and we can help you get through it."

Sam was unconvinced but the loneliness she had felt for the last month was beginning to abate the longer she was in his arms. Did she really want her bitterness to consume what were her last months with her friends? No. Did she want to hurt them again when she disappeared? No. But which was worse, hurting them by leaving after getting close again or hurting them by being with them and not letting them help?

Taking a deep breath, Sam closed her eyes and opened her mouth, preparing to share all she knew.

=*=

/part four

=*=

Go to Part Two